Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why do fools fall in love?

If this relationship is winding down than I am sorry. If today goes by and we let go of each others words and touch than its too damn bad. I've had a lot of flings that I just stop talking to simply because they aren't worth my time, but your something different and this isn't even a fling, its something.. something different. And, for reasons, I would chase you, even though I secretly pray that you want to chase me. I guess when I grab your hands and melt them with mine I feel a little tingly inside. I guess when I'm sitting next to you I feel a bit nervous, but at the same time I am completely comfortable being yours. I over think and over analyze stuff like this when I should just be waiting for you to show effort or go with the flow, but I can't just lay here staring at your number and not wonder if we could really work. I've had to get over many people and delete their numbers or forget about what ever silly shit we had, but I don't want you to become another statistic. I don't want to not hear from you for months and than someday randomly hear from you again. I wouldn't stand having to forget you and than falling for your smile again. I won't except kissing some strangers lips when in reality its yours I'm missing. You have to be the one that saves me. You gotta be the one that I keep in my phone book and see daily, the one that stops me from grieving, the one that keeps me from falling. I know how young we are with college right on our shoulders, with parents right on our asses, with heartache choking our necks, and winters that keep getting colder, but I just want to love you for now. This isn't me writing about love like always, I promise you I won't forget this, our relationship to me is delicate, even if it becomes non-existent. I'm not doubting. I'm contemplating. Your drifting apart and it only worries me because I care. Believe me its not often I spend my Saturday nights here writing about some person, now is it? I'm either a lonely insomniac or a fool in love.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Life - Death & losing someone

How does it happen? One day just like any other day your sitting around with your best friend talking shit and asking each other hows it going to be when your both old and gray. And then the next day your young best friend is gone. They didn't get the chance to turn old and they can't talk shit anymore because their breath is silent and their words went out the door. And you keep thinking its all a dream until you start to see that a dream is only a dream and reality is the realist thing. You won't get pinched and wake back up and they won't be next to you. But the hardest part about it all is the constant thought if they ever really knew just how much you loved them. Not even angels are placed above them...your best friends. Don't let go of what you got, even your enemies die eventually and the guilt hits the spot.
Life Death Taxes Love Politics Change Staying Leaving Crying Deceiving Pain Bliss Heaven Hell Wanting Needing Lying Cheating Hearts pumping Blood bleeding...Life is just one huge mess of experience.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

pain before bliss

Nothing gets perfect, it just gets easier. Even when shit starts to hit rock bottom, we just get use to it...until eventually we can receive one ounce, one minute, or one moment of happiness. Pointblank, things seem to go wrong before they can turn good. And when its good, its really good. I think that's what makes me except all the evils in this world.
I can float for a thousand lifetimes on clouds in heaven but hells never far enough to remind me of reality. I can burn to ashes, peeled of flesh in hell...but heavens never far enough to lift me back up.
When my halo is shining above my pretty face, I've got horns in the back of my ass poking at my every mistake.
when I want to hurt someone and put them through misery, my brain tells me whats right and wrong and I contemplate the good in me.
As perfect as I can be is as dangerous as I am to myself, I am my own enemy, I am my own friend, I control my own honestly, I control my own sins.
In this life sometimes I will bleed, cry, and weep the tears to sleep...in order to wake up in sunshine and feel a bliss full breath.
What goes around comes around, and what comes around is what you get.
When you feel like going asleep in darkness and never waking up, think about the six million other people who surround you in such lightness.
Though some are jerk offs and some are fake, some are true and some are great, you and me are ones that are needed.
And every mistake may take us closer to the solution.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Split Heart

My heart seperates into two peices like the cutting of a stake or the peeling of an orange. I lose the control I have and every ounce of urge tells me to grab whats in front of me. Your almost like my prized possesion and above all among whats mines is yours to make your own. I just want to look after you. I just want to make you understand exactly what it is you do to me, even though I can barely understand it myself. You never know what to say. You struggle to speak the emotions that you seek and its amazing how yet I would do anything to touch your flesh. I would do anything to lay in your arms no matter how many people tell me its wrong. There are six million people in this world, six million souls searching for answers, six million shattered, six million broken, six million healed, six million working, three million honest, three million truthfull, some that are older, some that are youthfull, some that don't see that beauty of your smile, and then there is me...who could stay for a while by your side. Lets lean on eachother because who knows when its all over. Lets pack away our bags and explore this place, because I don't know the next time I will see your face, I don't know that much of anything, I'm as smart as I am stupid, if one God is the only God then I am my own cupid. Your eyes tell a story of things I never seen, your nose smells the fragrace that lyes on my sleeve, your lips show kisses that feel like heaven is miles or inches away, but then there will be hell in the back of our minds. This past is a past in which we can never rewind. The time won't let me go, it just goes faster and faster reminding me that lifes shorter then we all know. And yet, I chose to seek noone else in a world filled with about six million people who share my same heartbeat and make my knees just as week. But, the truth is none of them can do what you do. They all seperate my heart into many more peices then you do. They all seperate my heart until theres nothing left. All I need is two peices, one for me and one to place inside your chest. I'm missing you hard and needing you bad. If there is no tommorow then at least theres always what we had.

Butterfly Effect

I use to have blackouts and faint across the floor, I thought I could forget the past that haunted my mind, but then I found a way to alter events and stop the time, I use to wonder if I would ever see you again, we use to be inseperable and then that came to an end, when we grew up and followed the rules and went to work and went to school, my life was normal, my life was just right, but then of corse there always comes the night, in the night I shook and screamed and my nose bled of empty sneezes, the butterfly effect is a disorder in which use to affect my brain, it use to until the day that it started to return again, and on that day I made a choice to visit my old friends, I asked them if they remembered how I use to black out .
They all turned out far different from my expectations, some that exceeded them and some that just met them, I read the old journals that the doctor told me to write when I was little, to help let go of feelings unknown and desires I couldn't fill, and as I read them slowly my mind reacted with sharp motion, like some magic potion my college bedroom turned into the old basement where we hid in when we were young. Now i wish the reading never begun. Now I wish I could be human, normal, and desent to never hurt you or your world, but I missed my old lover and so I tried to change things. Things I shouldn't have changed, things I wanted to. But in the end I came to find that not everything is right in our states of mind, we can't make dreams come true, either they don't or they do, either they will or they won't. Either my lover and I will be together or the distance that has kept us apart for years will stay in place, and do its absolute best to keep us away from eachother. There are many things I wish to say to you but I don't know how. You don't have to believe me, you just have to save me.
I burned my journals when my blackouts stoped. For the first time in my entire life stuff made sense. I made alot of new friends and stayed in college, and after a couple good years I got a nice job. I was walking on wallstreet the other day looking dapper and not thinking of anything, until in a crowd of hundreds of people on the busy streets of the city, out stood your face, your hair, your smile and you looked so pretty, You turned your cheek and looked strangely at me as though you were about to speak, you stoped walking for a moment, just stood there glancing at me in shook and distortion, and as I was going to yell your name I realized that even if you remebered me I wanted to remember you just the same, just as you were, walking across the street to a destination in which your blissfull, and that is why I turned my head away from your back and kept on walking and called a taxi cab. Its better this way. You should't have ever knew me. But I'm so glad I knew you. I don't believe that anybody understood me the way you did, even if we were just silly kids, with silly problems and silly issues, the best moments of my life were the moments where I would blackout and dream about kissing you. As you kept walking down the street with the fancy heels apon your feet, one question kept crawling in my mind. What did she see as she turned her face and looked at mine?
Its a crazy life we all have, but its only one.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

MaryJane

MaryJane was her name and she spoke of words that meant all the same things. She had a knife, she had a gun, she would pull the trigger if you pissed her off. She was blond but no stereotype could fit. She was smarter then a nerd and hotter then other chicks. She was well-rounded and stable grounded and had it all planned out ahead. She was eager to get out there, she was eager to regret. She smoked sometimes and was as blunt as the blunt that she held in her hand. She drank for fun and not to forget about all her past sins. She lived her life. I use to be like MaryJane. I use to walk on rainy days. I use to see the pretty sky for what it was. I never cried. But then you came. I use to tell you to your face when you were acting like an ass but then you always found a way to make me give in way too fast. I use to want you to live like me...unaware and not affected by life's cruelties. But then I met you, and you found a way to open up my big blue eyes and show me otherwise. You cut my name like from MaryJane to Jane and said it was much shorter, you cut my tides with all my friends and said they were too much older, but you need to grow up. You changed me like the change in seasons, when everything stays the same but new precipitation starts leaking. You broke me down and tore out fragments of my heart, which is basically my fault because I knew that you would do that from the start. I knew that this would happen but I don't even care. You honestly make me want to pull apart my hair. The truth is I'm walking in the city with bright lights shining and nothing to believe in except for our love. The saddest part is thats exactly what I gave up.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

change

When everything changes, when everyones gone, going down south, moving right along,
when the people I know aren't the people I knew, and the block that we wrote our names on
turns scribbled and blue, when my best friends distant, or I have moved, when people lie, and
people speak truth, maybe going back is what will save us.
When life throws curve balls, and snow never ever falls, when you look on myspace and see old friends, realizing what might have been,
when nobody stays in one place anymore, so far away from the place we once were,
when on those nights we ran in converse, ran taking pictures, walked as teenagers, walked together,
when today is now or today is never, when Ive got a couple of dollars, when you know your family misses it too, when I ride that train, I'm gunna ride it back to you.
when I see our names I'm gunna write them all again, when newcomers come I'm gunna tell them of our little sins,
change was my fear, change was my enemy, and I now find that it is a remedy,
for too much is dangerous, and too little is no good,
when everything changes, we're gunna make it how it should be. Tomorrow I'm gunna chill with people who don't compare,
the next day I'm gunna pretend that they are who I care about,
tomorrow your gunna say that things are better this way, that you love your new place, with your big house, and past mistakes, the next day your gunna dream and ponder on what life really means,
its all the same again, was it the same before? routines are harder to forget when you've left them on your old bedroom floor, things seem easy when you've done them so many times before.
and that's why change probably comes about, making life not repetitive, but leaving doubt,
theres always some kind of doubt.
why?